Losses

Today my friend Ryan Bell posted this:

"Some losses are a song interrupted. Some run their course and make coherent sense but sudden ruptures are deeply unsettling. Like a chord unresolved, it irritates and agonizes, not necessarily even because you loved the song so much, but because that's not how music is supposed to work. Like a story that ends midstream, it offends our highly trained narrative ethic."

This is especially meaningful to me as I am struggling with the first anniversary of my devastating loss last year of losing my biggest web client, which represented 20% of my income. And way more than 20% of my life.

What does this have to do with my diabetes journey, with my Year Without Carbs? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. I am two weeks into The 30-day Richard Osborn Challenge, which is to see how close I can get to 10,000 steps a day. I was doing this last May and almost made it when everything came to a grinding halt on May 25. I have not walked since then, not until May 1 of this year when I began again. I'm not doing anywhere near 10,000 steps but I am putting on socks and shoes, taking a water bottle, finding a hat and sunglasses, and getting Barley dressed for the excursion. Some days I even manage to take along my iPod.

I'm also starting the second week of The New Atkins for a New You challenge and have survived seven days without half-and-half, almonds, and raspberries. Not even one. This is first time I've felt even remotely ready to take on this challenge! So far, no morning migraines, Dawn Phenomenon is minimal, and I haven't yet choked on any medication, swallowing pills with almond milk instead of half-and-half. Gawd, I miss half-and-half, though! But I will survive.

Ryan Bell Is Back!

I posted this on Facebook yesterday (March 29, 2017):

Ryan Bell is back! After a 6-month "hiatus" from podcasting, he has just published another one. And I just finished listening to it. I have been curious about what he's been doing, other than being at Iron Triangle Brewery, but I figured he'd tell us sooner or later. And he did. Sort of.

But the significance of this is that I have been on my own hiatus--from life--for 6+ months. Like Ryan's silence on "Life After God," I have been deathly silent on my blog, "Year Without Carbs" (which began in 2015, the year after Ryan's "Year Without God"). And I'm almost (but not quite) ready to break this silence, as soon as I get my tax returns done. ("What?!? You don't have your taxes done YET?" I can hear my kids chiding me.)

I was SO glad to hear Ryan admit to having been depressed and to know that even young straight white males get depressed. That it's not just old, sick, and poor gay women of color that are affected. All of 2016 was pure crap for me, actually beginning during the 2015 year-end holidays and culminating in June with the loss of my biggest web client, representing 20% of my income. And then the presidential election totally finished it! Since then it's been a steady stream of ugliness on social media with restricting, unfollowing, blocking, and unfriending hundreds, from total strangers to those whom I once considered close friends.

Way too many people last year, from celebrities to people who are or were close, have died or have been diagnosed with cancer or some other potentially terminal condition. My own health has suffered in ways that only my closest friends and family members have any inkling about. My standing quip is that I'm going to die in a diabetic coma while living under the I-880 overpass. At least we already have a tent!

So much of what I heard Ryan say tonight resonated with me on so many levels, not the least of which is that change is inevitable. And I don't do well with change at my age. I refuse to stop using the Oxford comma. I am not growing old gracefully. But I also realize I have no alternative.

So, until I'm actually able to blog again, I want to repeat something Ryan quoted three years ago today: "Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can, and wine to accept the things I can't."
....

One of my FB friends had this response:

"I have diabetic issues and aging concerns as well. For me being on right medications and dealing with depression and bipolar tendencies are paramount, staying away from people who are toxic to me, staying away from media except to get a sense of what's going on to some extent. Are you depriving yourself too much with no carbs? I've decided that keeping my blood sugars at 100 is unrealistic so I'm trying to keep them under 150 with my doctor's permission which allows me treats from time to time. Thanks for your honest sharing."
....

And I felt obliged to reply:

"This is for anyone who may have concerns about my carbs. First of all, the 'Year Without Carbs' title of my blog is a little misleading because it's definitely NOT a no-carb lifestyle! The short story is that I get my carbs from non-starchy leafy green and cruciferous vegetables, nuts, seeds, and low-carb fruits like avocados, olives, and strawberries instead of from grains, legumes, starchy vegetables, and most fruit. The only thing I am 'depriving' myself of is peripheral neuropathy, retinopathy, liver disease, and kidney failure, as recent research has shown organ and nerve damage to occur with blood glucose readings over 140 mg/dL. I treat myself to eggs, bacon (gasp!), and cheese, heavy cream in my coffee, and real butter on my steak and broccoli. In spite of Kaiser now saying that it's 'okay' for diabetics over 60 to have an A1C of 8%, I believe that we old people have just as much right to have normal blood sugars as younger people! However, that is my story (and I'm stickin' to it), and I affirm and support anyone on their own journey, whatever it is, as long as they are achieving their own personal goals."

...

And now I feel more obligated than ever to play catch-up on what has happened in my diabetes journey since I last posted in August 2016. Most likely I will date the posts retroactively. I'm a bit OCD in that way!